A Child Will Never Hurt You But an Adult Always Has the Possibility

A very good friend said this to me today and it really got me thinking. Is it true?

The more I thought about it, the more I believe it is true…but with a caveat. It’s one of those things that will stick with me for some time. I’ve never thought of it like that.

I believe children do have the purest of hearts. And I believe they would never intentionally hurt anyone. So when does that change? Is it just through life’s circumstances that we become “hardened” and our hearts are no longer open and pure? Is it a coping mechanism we develop with time? Is it possible to change that?

I don’t believe people are WANTING to hurt anyone. I believe when they do, it is more a cry for help, for love. It is that, “Hey! I’m hurting over here. See how that feels. Remind me what it’s like to feel.  Will someone just pay attention to me? Love me? Tell me I’m worth it? Tell me I’m ok? Tell me I AM good enough? Anyone?” I believe we are all just trying to do the best with what we’ve got and the hand we’ve been dealt.

I know there are those that would argue there are bad, mean, awful people in this world. But I believe they did not start that way; it is not how we are born. Somewhere along the way they were wounded. Something happened in their story of life that created that. I believe with enough love we can change that. That’s the world I live in.

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are.

Keep calm because all we need is love

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With Practice It Gets Easy to Love Everyone…Even Your Enemies

My former husband, Mark has been great training with this lesson. Ok calling him an enemy is very extreme but it makes for a catchy title.

It’s easy to stay in negativity, anger, hatred, etc when you’ve been wounded by someone. But it takes strength and courage to find a way to love them even when they are “throwing daggers” at you. And every instinct in you (and everyone around you) tells you to let it go, don’t try to love him, you’ll get hurt, it’s over, he has treated you terribly, stop doing this to yourself, you don’t NEED to do this, etc. And yet I know in my heart loving him is the very thing I WANT to do. While it’s not the love of a wife, it’s the love of a person that never stopped loving him.

This goes for friends of mine as well. We have our differences and at times circumstances and choices cause a hurt. They lash out and “throw their daggers” and say some pretty awful things and yet now my reaction is to send them love. It’s recognizing someone is hurt and knowing their reaction is a knee-jerk when all they wanted all along was to be loved. 

I believe it’s true what they say, once you find that inner peace and love for yourself you can then truly love others. I am finally there. 

Posted in Awakening, Be Open, Be Yourself, Change, coming out, Finding Yourself, Friends, Gay, Happy, Husband, Lesbian, Life, Love, peace, Self Discovery, Speaking the Truth, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

The Day I Thought My Son Would Be Better Off with His Dad Than with Me

I find it interesting as I come up on my one year anniversary of officially being divorced that I’m remembering so many of the low points of that process which were such great lessons.

Today I am remembering the day that my son, Alex would be staying with me for the second time in the house I was renting. It was a day of an incredible roller coaster ride of emotions.

On this gorgeous day in September 2013, I met Alex and my then husband, Mark at Alex’s soccer game. After the game we went to Mark’s car where he had given me Alex’s Lightning McQueen suitcase with some of his clothes and his favorite stuffed animal. Up to this point Mark had not allowed me to take any of the toys or stuffed animals out of the house. So standing there at his truck I asked to go get some of the stuffed animals and toys from his house to bring over to my house so Alex could have some familiar things around. He was not happy but he did “allow” me to go back to the house and get some of them…under duress.

So when we got there I went up to Alex’s room and started getting some of the stuffed animals out. Alex and Mark stayed downstairs and I had started to throw the animals over the railing to the first floor. It was definitely an awkward moment and I could tell Mark was getting angry. I had also asked Alex to pick out some toys to bring over so he would have something to play with. He couldn’t pick anything out so I went downstairs to help. Mark was then following me around. Then I went back upstairs to finish with the stuffed animals. Alex then came up and started putting post-it notes on his window. Then Mark shouted up asking if I would be bringing this stuff back. Tensions were high. I remember thinking all I wanted was for my son to have something familiar in his new house. Alex was continuing to play with his Post-it notes. Mark then came up looking for an answer to his question and I couldn’t even look at him as his anger was so evident. I was frozen. I just wanted to protect Alex from all of it and get us out of there as quickly as I could. Then Alex said he didn’t want to go. Mark stood there angry with a “see what you’ve done” look on his face. I was starting to get very nervous, my head was spinning and I didn’t know what to do. I was questioning what have I done?! How could I have created this?! This was so hard. The tears had begun streaming down my face. Finally Mark couldn’t take anymore and he said he was leaving and going for a drive. 

I then went into my office looking for one of Alex’s other stuffed animals. Alex followed me in. I remember falling into the chair to gather myself and Alex came up and sat on my lap and now we were both crying. I remember sobbing and thinking my son should not have to go through this, should not see Mommy crying. And in that instant, just for an instant, I thought Alex would be better off staying with Mark. I remember thinking how could a mother have such a thought!? Just having the awareness of the thought made my head spin further. It made my head spin so out of control I didn’t know what to do. So I cried and I cried and I held Alex tight. I managed to say to him, “This is hard, isn’t it?” And through his tears he said, “Yes, it is”. I told him it was hard for mommy too and it was okay to cry. I hugged him tighter and we just sat there crying together in the chair in what was once my office. After some time I managed to somehow gather myself and when it seemed Alex was ready we managed to pack up the car and head out.

On the way to the new house as l was still continuing to cry, I had an idea to stop at Michael’s craft store and find something fun we could do together. We got there after that very emotional time at the house and Alex found a Lego book which he asked me to read to him. I ended up sitting on the floor in the middle of Michael’s with puffy, red eyes and tears streaming down my cheeks with him in my lap as I read the book to him. My tears were still coming but sitting on the floor and reading that book somehow made things a little bit easier. I’ll never forget it. 

Afterwards we started roaming the store and Alex was drawn to the Christmas scene they had displayed (mind you, it’s early September). It was up higher than his 6 year old eyes could really see so I held him up so that he could see all the different scenes. We must have walked around and around that scene 10 times looking at all the different houses, structures, trees, snow-lined streets, kids playing, carolers singing, all the while pointing to our favorites and just talking about all the details and what we liked about each one. He then asked if he could get something. And a lightbulb went off. I thought what a perfect day to start a new tradition. We would start a new Christmas village as part of our new life, adding to it each year. So I let him pick out whatever one he wanted…and he chose the ferris wheel. Now every time I see that ferris wheel I am reminded of that day and all we went through and the horrible thought that had passed through my mind and yet what a beautiful gift of a day it ended up to be. I know full well how much Alex needs his Dad AND his Mom. I say it all the time, he is my greatest teacher.

  

Posted in Be Open, Be Yourself, Change, coming out, Crazy, Cry, Finding Yourself, Husband, Life, Love, Mom, Sadness, scared, Self Discovery, Speaking the Truth, Why | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Am I An Eternal Optimist?

Now that I am in what I now call my “new space”, it’s interesting to note, witness, watch, see people who are still stuck in their old space, patterns, thoughts, ways, etc.

I don’t say this to say my way is right. I say it because it’s right for me. It keeps me happy. It is something I’ve noted lately and keeps coming up for me. I do prefer my space and my new way of being and seeing the world. It is my choice to be here and it’s everyone else’s choice to be where they are.

I keep coming back to the fact I have always strived to be a positive person. Does that make me an eternal optimist? I’ve been called a dreamer, someone with their head in the clouds, too positive, not realistic, etc. I believe the world needs more people like that. It is who I am and am choosing to embrace that part of me. It is so easy to get stuck in the negative. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of opportunity to stay stuck in that negativity but I constantly work through it to stay in my happy place. Be grateful for everything….even dead pet fish, two bulging discs in my neck, stenosis, bone spurs, incredible physical pain, my mother nearly dying, my grandmother dying, a disconnect from my son, an extremely emotional divorce, a former husband who made it very difficult for me to take anything out of our home (especially my son’s toys), a former husband who has made it his mission to have my son want to live with him full-time, losing friends, not being able to drive for 3+ months, laying in the back of my car to get around, not being able to move myself into my own house, not having my first baby (my dog) with me for 11 months, my decisions hurting people I love, and yet in each one of those I see a tremendous gift that I am forever grateful for.

Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m not saying I don’t have my down days. But I work very hard to keep positive and to imagine a better world. To talk about a better world. Believe it can be a better world. If that makes me an eternal optimist I will try my best to live up to that label and wear it with pride. I do believe John Lennon had it right.

http://youtu.be/RwUGSYDKUxU

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Sometimes You Have to Let Go to Allow Something Better In

I am again laying here in bed thinking…this time about this couple who are parents of a boy from my son, Alex’ class. We have known one another for the last 4 years when our boys started preschool together.

I had once considered them among my closest friends and now since the separation and divorce when I see them all I get is a very negative feeling. I had so many tears shed over the loss of this friendship, I could have filled oceans. I had many therapy sessions on the roller coaster of emotions I went through. I had many sleepless nights over it. The Mom  had been the second Mom I told about being gay and the divorce. After which we went on to have an incredible 5 hour heart to heart conversation over dinner and wine. Then a few months later after moving out of the house with my husband, slowly things started to change between her and I. After awhile she barely spoke to me. I had asked her to get together to talk about the issues. Both of those times I never felt she was completely honest and upfront with me about what was really going on. Each time I was more and more shocked, confused and plain ole hurt.

But all of that eventually led me to the peace I now have over it. I now fully understand I cannot control other’s reactions. I cannot control their feelings. I cannot control what they think of me. All I can do is continue to be the best me I can be. I tried to make that relationship into something apparently it wasn’t and I needed to let it go. Once I did, I made room for even more incredible friends. True friends that love me just the way I am. For exactly who I was and who I still am. That couple doesn’t know it yet but I thank them for that very hard lesson of letting go. I continue to be amazed and awed by what and who is showing up in my life as a result.

  

Posted in Awakening, Be Open, Be Yourself, Change, Cry, Finding Yourself, Friends, Gay, Happy, Lesbian, Letting Go, LGBT, Life, Love, peace, Rejection, Sadness, Self Discovery | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Memorial Day 2014: the Day When I Went Into the Valley of Darkness

I’m laying here in my bed at 3am thinking about what I wanted to do for Memorial Day this year. And this year I want it to be a celebration of how far I’ve come and how happy I am.

Funny, in order to do that I felt the need to remind myself of where I was last year on that day. I had no house of my own as I was renting my sister’s house, my parents were in town helping me, I was flat on my back in an incredible amount of pain living on a bed in the living room, I had canceled cervical spine surgery two weeks prior and I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do about the problems with my neck, I was officially divorced three weeks, I was in the midst of a disconnect with my son who I have always had an incredible connection with, the friends I thought I had were not showing up in my life the way I thought they would and I couldn’t physically write which had always helped me process such things. I was alone in my thoughts and I had officially hit the lowest point in my life. So I cried most of the day. 

I knew full well I was in the valley of darkness. And although on this day I had no idea how I was going to get out, I knew somehow I would. I knew I had to cry those tears and feel that pain. And so I did.

And here I am on the other side of that valley shouting from the mountaintop how happy I am. We all have our journeys and I am choosing to embrace every part of mine. Thank you for the sadness so I can appreciate my happiness.

  

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Know Your Why

I watched a Ted talk not too long ago that really questioned my core beliefs. It’s one of the most watched Ted talks and it’s by Simon Sinek. And it’s all about knowing your why.

I’ve always known I’ve wanted to make a positive difference in this world. But I didn’t know what that looked like. I am getting clearer because I keep asking myself why.

We are flooded with such negativity in this world. And I have always tried to lead a positive life and work to stay positive. I believe we need more of that. More focus on the good in this world. It doesn’t mean that negativity doesn’t exist. But I believe if we focus more on the positive, that’s more of what we will get.

So my why is recognizing the good in this world and living a life where I create more good. Thank you Simon Sinek for getting me to know my why.

Simon Sinek “Start with Why”

http://youtu.be/u4ZoJKF_VuA

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To My Former Husband, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You and I Love You

I have done a lot of work on myself especially over the last three years. And so much of that work felt selfish. And in all fairness, I suppose it was. Unfortunately in all this work of my self discovery it resulted in me unable to stay in my marriage. And that is by far the hardest decision and thing I have ever done in my 47 years here to date.

I realize also that I don’t believe I have told my former husband I’m sorry enough. I know he was hurt, crushed, devastated, angry and so many more emotions as a result. I wish I could’ve been more empathetic while were going through it. While it was painful for me, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain it was for him. And when I think about that, I cry. I cry knowing that I caused that pain to a man I love. I just couldn’t love him the way he wanted me to, as a wife. And for that I am sorry.

I have never actually asked for forgiveness from him. But I do hope someday he can see it in his heart to forgive me.

I am so thankful to him for so many things. And here again, I have not told him enough just how thankful I am for everything he brought to my life and all the lessons he taught me. I will be forever grateful for all the things we shared, for the beautiful son we created, for the many moments we shared, for the memories we created and for the life we shared.

I do still love him. I did tell him all the time while we were married that I loved him and I meant it. What I haven’t done recently is tell him that I still love him and I still mean it. I see through that sometimes tough outer shell into that beautiful soul that he is.

I hope someday he will hear these words and understand I mean every single one as they come from my heart.

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Sometimes Going Back You Realize You Had to Go thru Some Shit to Get to the Good Stuff

I was brought back to a previous post that I did which is still the number one read post of all the ones I have since done here: I’m Scared

It’s really wild to see that I wrote these words three years ago when I was in the craziest time of my life…

June 12, 2012 I wrote using my non dominant hand: “What lessons am I supposed to be learning?” Fly high like you used to. Be happy. Remember that? It is about you and only then can you help others like you so desperately want to. There’s more. It’s out there and IN there. Go deep and get it. Be thankful, be clear and be happy. Find happy friends and the rest will follow. Where? You have some but more are coming. Be YOU. Love. Passion. Let go and be you. Disney lessons. Dreams really do come true if you have the courage to believe. Do you believe? I’m SCARED. Good. Go with that and sit with that for a bit.

At the time, I didn’t know what end was up and what was going to happen. I had so many questions swirling around in my head. I had so much going on in my life. I couldn’t see straight. And yet some part of me knew that I would indeed have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I did let go and was and am me. I did go deep and continue to do so. I did find happy friends, friends beyond my wildest dreams. I did and do have the courage to believe. I was scared a lot and I sat with it a lot. 

And so here I am three years later living exactly that life… Beyond my wildest dreams. I am forever grateful for the last three years and all the shit I had to go through to realize now that I am living my life beyond my wildest dreams. Because without all that shit I wouldn’t realize how good I have it. I am in a constant state of gratitude and choose to live here from here on out. 

  

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You Stay Here, I’ll Go On Ahead

I was in a parent group session with a therapist and another woman tonight at a place called Kids In the Middle. It is an amazing organization that helps kids going through divorce. So every Tuesday for the last six months my son, Alex has been going to group therapy with other kids. And since we parents are sitting there in the waiting room they began also having parent group sessions while the kids are in their group. It continues to amaze me how many parents do not take advantage of this free opportunity and instead choose to stay on their phones/iPads/electronics together yet isolated in the waiting room. I’m always the first one standing and ready to go to the parent group. My theory is I can always learn something and if I can get one nugget of gold, I’m all over it. I haven’t been disappointed yet.

Tonight I happened to be paired with another woman who had a very similar but different situation. In her case she didn’t realize she was gay; however she did realize it was an empty marriage. We talked about how we had woken up after many years of marriage to how alone and empty we felt. How was it we had allowed ourselves to change so much? How did we allow ourselves to be lost? How long could we go on showing our children this was acceptable? Showing them it was okay to stay in a marriage where not only the love had been lost but so had the person their mommy was? I actually read part of what I wrote in my previous post, Have You Ever Cried After Sex? and the other mom was throwing her hands up saying, “Yes! Yes! I know! I know!” I told her and the therapist of discovering myself through paint colors I Had to Get Divorced to Pick Out My Own Paint Colors. Again, she was throwing her hands up saying, “Yes! Yes! I know! I know!”

Then I was talking about when I was still living in the house with Mark, my former husband and going through the divorce and he commented that he wanted the old Susan back. I told him she was never coming back, she was long gone. In tonight’s therapy session I realized while talking about this that he had remained the same, he was the same person I had married and he was happy staying right there. But I was the one that had slowly changed in the marriage. I had begun to grow into a new person and this had caused serious friction. I was trying to change and he wanted to stay right where we were. He wanted it all to remain as it had been and that was no longer an option for me. I knew I would die a slow death if I stayed. Instead, I am now uncovering this incredible person that continues to emerge and it only could have happened with my freedom to do just that. This is the person I am and I love who I’m becoming. That’s who I want my son to know so he, too can know the freedom to do just that.

  

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