Anger Scares Me

I recently found my limit of anger and it scared me. My insides turned, my instinct was to remove myself from the situation and get out.

It was a Wednesday night and I had just come from volunteering with an afterschool program. I brought pizza over to my girlfriend’s house to have with her and her kids. It was a nice night around the table with them. 

Then my girlfriend began talking with her son about an incident that happened in school that day where he had been reported for hitting someone. He denied it. She wanted to know what had happened, he kept saying he didn’t know, it started to get heated.

She then took him into her room and was screaming at him. He was scared and started crying. I know she was frustrated and felt he was lying to her. She kept on him. I was not far away doing the dishes. I started to get scared for what could come of this. It was heating up. My insides started turning. I was frozen and didn’t know what to do. I had never been around this kind of screaming before and I wanted to leave but knew if I did it would likely aggravate the already tense situation. So I stayed against my better judgement.

They left the room and I went into the bedroom and layed down trying to gather my thoughts. She finally came in and asked what was wrong. I said her anger again and all I wanted to do was go for a walk. I didn’t like it. She started getting defensive and I said I didn’t think it was a good time for her to talk about it. She left saying “Fine, I’ll go sit with my kids!” and left to the living room.

As I lay there trying to calm my body down and my head spinning with all that had happened, I finally got up and went for that walk I wanted to take. While I walked her neighborhood in the dark, I really thought hard about what had happened, our relationship, and what I knew in my heart I had to do but didn’t want to.

So I got back to the house, sat in my car and processed the way I do-silence, meditation and journaling. Again, I knew what I had to do and didn’t want to.

I went back in the house, laid on the bed and waited for what felt like hours but was probably more like 30-45 min for her to come into the room. She came in, closed the door and said, “So.” I said the same thing a few times and then finally said it. I said, “I think it’s best if I leave.” Her response was, “You waited 2 hours to say that?” I went on to talk about the anger and it being an issue in the past. But this was a new level, my insides were in a knot, I didn’t like it and don’t want to be around it. She said “Fine. Leave. If you think this was bad, you haven’t seen the worst of it. If you can’t take this then we are not going to make it.” I was dumbfounded. No “I’ll try.” Or “I know there’s an issue here and I want to work at it.” Nothing even remotely  in that ballpark. Take it or leave it.

Unfortunately I had to “leave it.” As sad as it was after 6 months of seeing this beautiful woman I know she is; I had reached a limit I didn’t know I had and I had to leave. 

Sad has been all I can say, just sad. 

  

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This entry was posted in Awareness, Change, Cry, Gay, Journal, Lesbian, Letting Go, LGBT, Love, Pain, Sadness, scared, Self Discovery, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Anger Scares Me

  1. betty says:

    I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. Is the journey beside me over? What happened to your postings?

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