I have. And they were not tears of joy. They were tears of sadness, loneliness and realizing this was what our relationship had become.
I hadn’t thought of this for years but it hit me a few hours after my sister, Pat had asked questions about my marriage today. We were talking about the lack of intimacy he and I had shared during our marriage. How it felt like sex with him was something he did TO me; whereas sex with a woman was something you did WITH her. I remembered sex with him was lights off and his eyes shut. I remember wanting to look into his eyes during sex and never being able to because they were shut. I remember feeling like he wasn’t present, he was somewhere else. I remember feeling like it was a means to an end for him. And I remember quietly crying on more than one occasion afterwards. I am realizing just how sad and alone I felt many times lying next to him.
And now I lay by myself, no longer married, the happiest I can remember, feeling so loved by many and my eyes are wide open.