How Can I Expect Him to Do Now What I Couldn’t Then?

Now onto Part 2 of my craniosacral therapy session. It was even bigger than the first. The HUGE aha came toward the end of our session. I was talking about a situation with my former husband, Mark this week where he had told me a couple of weeks ago he was going away skiing with his girlfriend, Barb. He had asked me to watch our son, Alex an extra two days just before they got back. I said I would but had plans for about 5 hours before they were to get back. So we had had a discussion earlier in the week about him figuring out where Alex would go for those 5 hours. The one option had fallen through and he had texted me letting me know that this past Tuesday. Later that day he called to tell me. I asked what he was going to do. I knew he wanted me to volunteer to help but he never actually asked. After all, this was an issue he created, so I let him handle it. He asked for other ideas. I rattled off about 8 different options and people he knew that could help. He asked what if “option a” didn’t work? I said, “I just gave you a bunch of different options – do any of those feel like a good option?” He sighed and then went on to blow me away.

He then said, “So do you want me to bring Alex over on Thursday?” <mind you, it’s Tuesday and I was expecting Alex on Friday afternoon> I was a bit stunned and said, “What do you mean?” He went on to say since they were leaving for the ski vacation Friday, would I like to have Alex come on Thursday instead of Friday? I have to admit I was pissed about just learning of this option two days before…with an “oh by the way” comment after a conversation about the back end of their trip. I told him I already had plans and if I had known earlier I would have made different arrangements. He then said how about Friday morning? Do you want me to bring him over then since he has the day off of school? I couldn’t believe it and I could feel my blood boiling more and more. I went on to say I had plans. I wish you had told me earlier I would love more time with Alex. He got FURIOUS and started to say he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t help and then more specifically I wasn’t willing to help with our son. My blood is continuing to boil and now I felt like he was putting the guilt trip on me for his lack of planning. I felt so lied to, so manipulated…again. I lashed out and said, “How dare you do this to me! You’ve known about this for some time. I’ve told you many times I’m a planner and you’re not. It’s time you started planning. I want to help here but I already have plans and you’re telling me this TWO DAYS before?!” He again said he couldn’t believe I wasn’t willing to help. He finally said, “Fine! Thanks for nothing! I’ll figure it out myself!” and hung up. WOW I had to do a major check in with myself after that conversation.

There’s the background and now I’m back at the craniosacral therapist reliving this on Wednesday (the day after). I was describing how I had always known not to “buck the system” with Mark; don’t challenge him. I had always felt less than, more of a secretary than a partner. Here I felt like he was manipulating me, not being totally truthful. And then it hit me that it felt like what he has been accusing me of since I told him I was gay. He felt like I had lied to him by never telling him of Mary. I have tried to explain that I couldn’t tell him because I had buried it so long ago and until I was honest with myself, there was nothing to tell him. I then went on to tell the therapist how I’ve always felt there is something from Mark’s childhood he hasn’t been honest with me about. Something I believe with his father who I know criticized him constantly but I believe there was something more. What I know of his father is only from his sister; Mark has never shared anything about his father.

I remembered the conversation he and I had 1-1/2 years ago when I was still living in our house months after telling him I wanted a divorce. I had told him how hard it had been to face my past with Mary and all that it represented to me. Yet in doing so I had freed myself. I suggested to him there were issues with his father that were holding him prisoner because he never dealt with them. I’ll never forget him looking at me with fire in his eyes screaming, “Some things are better left buried!”. So here I was in the CST session and it hit me…how could I ask him to do something now that I wasn’t willing to do then? He wasn’t ready to deal with his past. He will do it in his time if he chooses to. What I can do is to continue to have this incredible compassion for him and hold the space that maybe some day he will be honest with himself. As I’ve told so many about my journey in dealing with my past and truly finding my truth, for me it hurt, it was hard, there were (and still occasionally are) a lot of tears but it’s the best gift you can give to yourself.

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This entry was posted in Be Open, Be Yourself, Finding Yourself, Gay, Husband, Lesbian, Life, scared, Self Discovery, Speaking the Truth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How Can I Expect Him to Do Now What I Couldn’t Then?

  1. beijas says:

    Very courageous. Sometimes those hard self-reflections help us to forgive, ourselves and others. Thanks for sharing your experience.

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