2/3/2015 …to live as the true, authentic me. It’s been a few years of discovering what that truly means. It was a lot of hard work, pain, confusion and lots of tears to get to this place of complete peace. But I did it and now I can truly be as Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Well here I am world – the true, authentic me complete with flaws and perfection.
I wrote this on January 19, 2013:
My name is Kristin Pendleton. I’m 44 years old, I am married….for 12 years and I have an amazing, almost six-year-old boy. I am gay.
I am on the most amazing journey. You see 16 years ago I had a night of love, passion, letting go and being me. With a woman, a woman I loved. She was not ready to deal with what it was. I was crushed. So I buried all the hurt and everything that went along with it. But most importantly I buried ME, the true, authentic me. And I buried me deep. Kristin Cotta was buried.
Then on March 31, 2012 I watched a lesbian movie, Elena Undone, somewhat by accident. It transported me back to 16 years ago. I believed I was living this movie. It consumed me. It wouldn’t let me go. I truly thought I was going crazy. This was not a shovel to dig the old me out I had buried so long ago. It was a backhoe. And it brought her to the surface and let her out for me to see her. As you can imagine being buried for 16 years you don’t look so good. There are lots of questions, pain, wondering what the hell is going on? I thought you were BURIED?! Why?! Why now?! I’m married! I have a child! I can’t do this!
But I started hanging out with the old me. I started to see through her eyes and she through mine. But the questions remained. How do I deal with the betrayal? The guilt? The what-ifs? The friends? People’s reactions? How do I live with myself? How can I DO this? I’m a GOOD person. I don’t HURT people. I have a family. How can I do this to my husband? My son?
So I searched and I searched for the answers to all of these questions swirling around in my head. I combed the Internet. I read books. I meditated. I did yoga. I watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. I asked friends. I worked with coaches and a therapist….the list goes on. They were all very helpful, yes.
But the answers were all here inside my heart. I had them all along.
When I started to listen, feel and live from my heart all of those questions, the pain, the hurt and the guilt just all melted away. When you can be the authentic you, TRULY BE the authentic you everything else falls into place where it always belonged.
So on Thursday night, January 17, 2013 I was finally able to tell my husband I was gay the way I had always wanted to…Not from fear but from a place of true love…from my heart.
So now I would like you to meet the true, authentic me Kristin Cotta Pendleton.
Kristin Cotta Pendleton