She Explained What She Meant By “I Love You”

6/17/12  After the emotional day with my Mom in the hospital, we all went to bed early. I ended up on Facebook chatting with Mary about the day and my Mom. I then got the courage up to ask her if we could go back to yesterday at BWI airport. She asked if we could go back further. I happily obliged but little did I know where it would take us.

She went back to when she was 11 or 12 and talked about her best friend she had then that moved away. I knew something big was about to be revealed so I let her continue without interruption. She spoke of her friend’s family asking her to move with them as they had an idea what was about to happen to her. She spoke of the abuse, the alcohol and the drugs. There were no details just the pain pouring out in her words. She spoke of running away from home when she was 14 and living on the streets of Connecticut. My heart was aching but I had very little words for her. I just continued to read/listen as I thought that is what she needed at that point in time. To let it all out and tell me her story. She asked if I knew anyone that was abused, saw any movies of abused children. I was honest in that I hadn’t seen them. I knew them, but not while they were going thru it. I remember I made a comment how sorry I was that she had to endure that and this was the most open I had ever seen her. Unfortunately I don’t remember the exact conversation or where it exactly went wrong but suddenly her tone had changed. I knew I had said something that upset her. I believe it was me trying to explain that our life experiences were so different; therefore we had totally different outlooks on life and that’s what fascinated me about our relationship. I remember saying I had always wondered why she was so negative on life and accusing my positive attitude on my youth (she is eight years older). I remember her saying she caught herself trying to justify herself to me. I remember trying to apologize. It wasn’t exactly the conversation I was hoping for and I felt terrible.

Luckily we managed to get past all of this and get back to our friendly conversation. I then asked what she meant by her message on Saturday at BWI airport (“I love you…and everything you brought to my life.”). She was confused and didn’t remember what I was referring to. She said she had been really sick so she wasn’t sure what she said. I told her to scroll back to the conversation. She then answered, “Your friendship. Your Grandmother. Your family. You were the only one with a head and a heart for my son. Your heart is gold. EVERYTHING. We went through a lot together.” I thanked her for her honesty and told her it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. And so there I had it, the answer. Or was it?

This entry was posted in Be Open, coming out, Gay, Lesbian, LGBT, Love, Speaking the Truth and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to She Explained What She Meant By “I Love You”

  1. sapphospeaks says:


  2. alexkellyoc says:

    That’s kind of sad… 😦 😦 😦
    I feel sorry that she’s been through shit like that, I really do feel sorry for her.
    I feel sorry for you too since after I read this, I believe that she loves you but perhaps not in the way you want to. I bet you’ve dreamed of her-how you two have your own family etc… After reading such thing as “I love you”, a huge hope had arisen in you, like a light in a candle that was about to burn…
    Perhaps you two may end up together as friends only (that’s what I think at least) but knowing how strong your feelings for her are, you are the one whose life would be miserable (sadly… 😦 ) since you’d always have these feelings for her. I bet also, that you’re going to be jealous if she dates other people or just has sex with them.
    My advice would be a cliche but I suggest taking some time to think what to do-don’t write to her on Facebook or anywhere else and when you’re done with the thinking tell her directly what you have done-after this all, it’d all end for the best.

  3. Nancy says:

    What’s next?!?

  4. sapphospeaks says:

    Will you ever post again? I know how the days slip by when life is so busy. I hope you find time to blog again soon.


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