The Truth Wants to Come Out

Love Bubble6/12/12  I’m nervous about my coaching session with Michael A today. My screenplay wasn’t quite finished since I was getting stuck at how my husband would react to me saying I was gay.

During our coaching session we discussed me being stuck in my head and in my scenario someone always gets hurt and I’m the cause of it. That is a huge responsibility. It comes to a choice. How are you going to live your life? I need to live from my heart, be authentic. This is good that I’m aware I’m in my head. Awareness will get you out of it. My mind is like a box and inside is all that I know. It’s the only information I have. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know. I need to look into my heart for authenticity.

I am so concerned with wanting everyone around me to be ok. We discussed my fear and it came down to the fear of being alone. His words: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. If I come from fear, then fear is all I will project. I want to come from love. If I expand that love, I will go from limited to unconditional love.

We explored when I could remember feeling that I unconditionally loved something. I thought about it for a bit and softball popped into my head. I liked meeting new people, I loved to play, I loved sharing a common love for softball and the whole experience of it. He told me to remember that feeling as that is what we are looking for.

When I have the conversation, my husband has the freedom to do what he wants. I need to be sure to come from love. I need to notice when I’m in my head, get out and get into my heart. Use fear like a pole jumper to catapult myself. I should take where we’re at and catapult where it knows. The truth wants to come out.

Remember, none of us are ever alone. I can experience it inside the box or outside the box where the universe will support me.

I need to remember to come from being the authentic me. That is where my freedom lies. Freedom to explore. Freedom to be me. I don’t want to come from “this will make this person feel this way”.

He helped me see it was very similar to my business that I had recently sold. My sister and I had entered into the business together eight years ago and I was ready to get out, she wasn’t. It was time for her and I to renegotiate. And now it is time for my husband and I to renegotiate. By avoiding it, I’m hurting both of us. No matter how he responds, I can expand my love for him. I need to remember to also give myself unconditional love. No guilt. Love myself. Let love bubble up.

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This entry was posted in Change, Coach, coming out, Gay, Husband, Lesbian, LGBT, Love, Speaking the Truth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Truth Wants to Come Out

  1. alexkellyoc says:

    You know the funny thing when someone comes out after 20(or more) years of marriage-it’s quite often shown on TV shows such as “The L Word” .That person (in this case-you) has 2 possibilities: to come out and start over or to continue living in a lie? Which one is better-living in a lie to make others happy, or making yourself happy despite others might be hurt. You seem like a smart woman and I think you would agree that sometimes it’s better to do what’s best for you, despite others may see it as an egoistic act. I also know that when you come out even to a “friend” things aren’t going to be easy and that “friend” is going to blame you one way or another at least in the beginning.
    Your husband may even blame himself for that and you need to be stronger than him as well because this is perhaps as equal news as telling him “I am pregnant” since this changes life as well.
    I admit that I am not a huge fan of “life coaches” like the one you have but in cases like yours they are helpful I guess since when I started reading your posts everything seemed a bit blurry (not only because English’s not my mother-tongue language) but also because you weren’t quite sure about yourself as well. Now, i can congratulate you for finding out who you really are and what /who you want.
    Be careful though-saying out “I am gay” is sometimes painful for yourself than for others but I hope that it makes you feel better when you finally say it. When you tell your husband you both need to decide what to do in the future. I assume divorce would occur but it’s up to both of you if you can remain friends in the future-you may be gay but if he’s a good man, why not having him in your life as a friend?
    Can’t wait to read more of that. 🙂

    • Alex, thank you for your comments. Yes, my coach has been helpful in “clearing things up” and keeping me on target. As everyone says it is a process and we all process it differently. Stay tuned for more to come. It gets interesting.

  2. Dace says:

    one thing to keep in mind – it is going to be the beginning of the road for your huband. You have had the time to think, feel, relect and you are ready. However, for him this is going to be a long road to understanding, coping, grieving and accepting. It might be a rough year or two or maybe not, but remember, you are ahead of him by miles and you need to be patient and understanding.

    It is great that you have found the truth in your own heart and you should live an authentic life. It might hurt a few people along the way but it is for the best for everyone involved. You can’t give all of yourself to your husband but he deserves to be loved. He deserves to meet a woman that will want to be with him and love him with all her heart.

    • Dace, you are a very wise woman. I know this logically about my husband being at the beginning and yet sometimes it is difficult to keep that in perspective when you’re in the heart of it. I can not agree with you more about wanting my husband to be loved the way he deserves to be. I thought I was that person and yet here I am. Thank you for your fantastic insight as always! I truly appreciate it.

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