5/25/12 I’ve been trying to get clarity. Craving it. My emotions and thoughts are all across the board. Do I really want to give up my whole life for a “what if”? I’ve put so much weight on this thing with Mary. Can’t I let it go? She’s not the one for me. Or is she? Why is it permeating my every thought? Why now? What’s going on with me? Can’t I just enjoy this beautiful life and be thankful? Why is it tugging at me? I feel like I’m a stalker.
I’m going to send her the letter (See Previous Post). Part of me would love for her to be honest but do I believe I needed to be honest with me first? Still a huge connection between us. Is it one way? What if it’s not? Then what?
Here comes lefty to chime in: Get out of your head and into your heart. It’s all there if you’d LISTEN. Have I ever truly listened? Sure you have. I’m here waiting to be heard. Shout it out then. YOU’RE GAY! Love it. Own it. Be it. Get over it. You are who you are. Everyone loves you and think how many more you’ll meet that will too. They’re all teed up when you’re ready. Just holler. I’ll be waiting. I’m not going anywhere. Life is good but there’s a better one waiting. Enjoy life this is no dress rehearsal. Be silly. Be you. We all love you. LOTS! kiss kiss hug hug.
After this I asked the medicine cards what this life was about. Picked the empty shield. Rephrased to what lesson am I supposed to learn? I then pulled the Swan card – “the power of woman, touching future. Pay attention to hunches, intuition, gut. Accept your ability to know what lies ahead. Don’t resist self-transformation, relax; it will be easier if you go WITH the flow. Honor your female intuitive side.”
I always loved this episode of Ellen and that about summarizes it for me too: