We started with him asking me to rate the different areas of my life from 1-10 with 1 being the worst and 10 best. Here is what I said:
Love Life: 2
The first thing he pointed out was I did not even mention career. How interesting. He went further on to say he would bet that I had always used my career as a distraction. HA that would be my head nodding yes, oh so true. He also said I probably have been wrapping my spirituality around my love life. Now THAT was a revelation and also true. He then asked me what number I wanted my love life to be at. I naturally answered, “10 – doesn’t everyone want that?”. To which he replied, “No, not everyone did want it to be a 10. Now recognize that is a huge jump and will be very powerful. It will be work.” But I need to be gentle with myself and allow the outside to work itself out. I have the freedom to go where ever I want.
Of course my next question was “Ok so you can help with this, HOW do I DO this?” His response, “The solution is within you.” Oh boy. Great now I HAVE THE ANSWER?! How do I get to it? I kept saying I had been putting my happiness “on the shelf”, my thing with Mary was “on the shelf”, my sexuality was “on the shelf”, my problems with my husband were and how to talk about them were “on the shelf”. He stopped me and said it’s not “on the shelf”; it’s all right there inside you so let’s stop saying it’s “on the shelf”. There is no “shelf”.
We then talked about the fact I only get to have this experience once. Don’t rush it. Don’t force it. Stay present. Get every AHA. Feel every hurt you didn’t know what to do with. Use your meditation to get clarity.
First you’re going to write a screen play he said. Oh dear. What did I know about that? And it’s going to be about telling my husband I’m gay. Oh shit I don’t want to do THAT! He said you know you’ve got this movie running in your head about when you tell him. Now you’re going to put it on paper. I have a movie running in my head? Really? Nah that can’t be what’s going on. He continued to hold my feet to the fire about this and told me it was to be a “movie short”. It has a beginning, middle and an end. I got to determine how long it was, who was in it, where the scene was and everything in between. He told me to write about how it IS, not how you WANT it to be. Realize when you’re stuck or stopped. Stop. Breathe and tell the truth. Be honest, the truth sets you free. We then created a title for it, “I’m Coming Out. The Truth Hurts.”
The Gay Persons Theme Song. Diana Ross – “I’m Coming Out”