Being Open – Stream of Consciousness 5/21/12

Oops I just realized I never published this one from 5/21/12.

5/21/12  I did the meditation in the afternoon so I was a bit tired. But it was good since my mind was relaxed and I wasn’t trying to control it. I saw a smiling woman in a chair looking at me. She was blond. It was like I knew her but I didn’t and yet somehow knew I would be getting to know her. She was at the head of a class or a room like a teacher. The name popped in at a different part of the meditation with Teri A but yet the last name was like Nae.

The sister of a mom from my son’s class popped in. When I met her she was at my son’s t-ball game. They were of Indian origins and each of them were given an Indian name. Hers meant “God of Dance” and yet she was in a wheelchair. They both came up with an Indian name for me – “God of Patience”. They barely knew me and if they only knew how appropriate that name was for me.

I saw some strange things today (in person, not in meditation): palm trees on the back of a truck today twice (this is not a common thing to see in St. Louis); a huge dinosaur on a trailer; nickel stuck in the pavement at the end of our driveway; cells in my eyes this morning; “Iron Lady” used prayer from St. Francis of Assissi (same prayer I use in my meditation). All interesting things.

I had a big conversation about communication with my husband this past Saturday. It ended up in an argument but the basics of it were that we barely know anything about each other’s past. We never asked the other. I told him what I know about his past, I know from talking with his sister. He got really pissed and said he would answer anything I wanted to ask but it hurts to go back to his childhood and he doesn’t want to deal with it. Yet he was willing to answer any questions. It was fascinating to me what he heard me say was his “childhood” even though I wasn’t speaking of that specifically. What an eye opener that was and yet I didn’t know what to do with it. I left it at that and tried to explain it was not necessarily that I wanted to know much, just a realization that I didn’t know much about him and that we barely communicate about anything. And definitely nothing deep or of any substance.

I suppose all of this was my feeble attempt to let him know I had big things brewing inside of me but I was afraid to say anything specific. I just wasn’t ready for THAT conversation. I did bring up my career (or lack of it) and the fact I was feeling unfulfilled at the moment. I wasn’t exactly sure WHAT I was saying, just that I was frustrated with our relationship and lack of any depth. Things are heating up on the home front. There are definitely lots of changes coming. I know it.

And now we go to lefty. Anything you want to tell me? Be open. Open that heart huge. It’s all in there waiting to be released. Aaah you’re going to love it when all is said and done. Pure bliss and joy. Yup just waiting for you if you want it. Come and get it!  XO

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This entry was posted in Awakening, Be Open, Change, Gay, Husband, Lesbian, Life, Love, Meditation, Speaking the Truth, Universe and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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