What Do You Say On Your Wedding Anniversary When Your Heart Is Elsewhere?

5/20/12  Today is my 12 year wedding anniversary and my thought is “I have to at least get him a card. Don’t I?”

It took everything I had to pick out a card the other day for this anniversary. It’s funny when I look back on the types of cards I’ve bought my husband in the distant past, they were  usually the mushy ones with lots of love stuff where I loved my life with him, yadayadayada. I used to be able to walk into a Hallmark store and know I could find the perfect card for him. But the more recent years it’s been a challenge. This particular anniversary I couldn’t find the card that said “I don’t know what’s quite going on here with me and my sexuality. I know I love you. But I don’t love you the way I think a wife should.” Maybe that could be my new profession, writing coming out cards for wives having a difficult time telling their husbands they’re gay. The easy way out would have been to get one of the mushy ones and tell a little white lie but I couldn’t do that; that’s not me. So I ended up picking out a very generic card that said something about what a great dad he was. That WAS the truth. Next came the hard part. I never just sign my name to a card. I always write something personal. That was probably a bigger struggle than picking out the actual card. I wrote something like “I know I’m not all here. I know we’ll get through this. I love you.”

You can imagine his reaction when he got the card. It wasn’t pretty. He cried and had to leave the room. We talked very briefly about it with me basically reiterating what I had said in the card. I was certainly not ready to tell him EVERYTHING that was going on in my head. Not yet. Afterall, I first needed to understand it all. Needless to say it was a very non happy anniversary.

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This entry was posted in Awakening, Be Open, Change, coming out, Gay, Husband, Lesbian, Life, Love, Speaking the Truth, Universe and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to What Do You Say On Your Wedding Anniversary When Your Heart Is Elsewhere?

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I could feel the emotional anguish in your words. It sounds like at least the doorway is opened to getting some type of conversation going with your husband. My thoughts and care go out to you. : )

    • Lissa, thank you for your caring thoughts. Trust me, I could use them but I think my husband could use them more. It IS emotional anguish indeed but I know there’s a better me that will result from all of this. Thank you for being so in tune with what I felt then. And thanks for taking the time to comment.

  2. Wow – I can’t wait to read what has happened since!

  3. Honey says:

    I’m sorry. I know the exact feeling. It was our 12th as well this year and I just ended up not getting him a card. I brought him a gift and that was it. I’m with you girl. Holy mirrored life!

    • Wow Honey. That IS amazing! How did it go with you not getting him a card??? We stopped doing gifts years ago so that was no biggee but probably would’ve been a whole lot easier if it was a gift vs. a card. Here’s to our “Holy mirrored life”! Love that expression by the way.

  4. Honey says:

    Oh he’s forgotten to get me cards on several occasions, so I just stopped doing it too, it was an easy out. I much prefer the easier, here’s a Kindle, Happy Birthday than for him to read mush that isn’t true.

    • How “nice” for you that he forgets and you have that easy out. Mine would never forget. It’s such a big deal with us and friends tease us that we give each other 3 cards – one from each other, one from the dog and the other from our son. Maybe I could incorporate a Kindle card next time.

  5. Ruth says:

    I just celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary. It was 4 days after my 1 year anniversary with my Idgie. He & I didn’t even exchange gifts or cards. He’s never been good at that stuff anyway. My heart was elsewhere & I just couldn’t fake it. I did post on Facebook what a good father & friend he is.

  6. sapphospeaks says:

    Catching up on my reading, so I apologize for the late comment. This post is close to my heart. I hated card-buying occasions because I felt like every card was written for everyone else’s relationships. I, too, ended up with generic cards and struggled to find the right words to write in them. What an emotional moment for you both.

    • No problem at all on the late comment. So true about feeling like they were written about everyone else’s relationships. So right on with that. I don’t think any of us are alone on this journey. Thanks for sharing Sappho!

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