It took everything I had to pick out a card the other day for this anniversary. It’s funny when I look back on the types of cards I’ve bought my husband in the distant past, they were usually the mushy ones with lots of love stuff where I loved my life with him, yadayadayada. I used to be able to walk into a Hallmark store and know I could find the perfect card for him. But the more recent years it’s been a challenge. This particular anniversary I couldn’t find the card that said “I don’t know what’s quite going on here with me and my sexuality. I know I love you. But I don’t love you the way I think a wife should.” Maybe that could be my new profession, writing coming out cards for wives having a difficult time telling their husbands they’re gay. The easy way out would have been to get one of the mushy ones and tell a little white lie but I couldn’t do that; that’s not me. So I ended up picking out a very generic card that said something about what a great dad he was. That WAS the truth. Next came the hard part. I never just sign my name to a card. I always write something personal. That was probably a bigger struggle than picking out the actual card. I wrote something like “I know I’m not all here. I know we’ll get through this. I love you.”
You can imagine his reaction when he got the card. It wasn’t pretty. He cried and had to leave the room. We talked very briefly about it with me basically reiterating what I had said in the card. I was certainly not ready to tell him EVERYTHING that was going on in my head. Not yet. Afterall, I first needed to understand it all. Needless to say it was a very non happy anniversary.