I realize I’m going out of order but here was an older Stream of Consciousness from 4/19/12 after a meditation that I thought was important insight into where I’m at.
My teeth started tingling just as my meditation started. Weird. Great yoga yesterday. I really love the energy of Sherry, the teacher. What a wonderful soul. I really felt a connection with her. She was so attentive to me and was really encouraging, all the while trying to make it a pleasant experience. Little does she know, I’m already hooked. What an amazing thing yoga is for me. All of the reading I’ve been doing on about it seems to be speaking directly to me. I’ve definitely found something big in yoga. So many people say they love it but they don’t do it. Again, it sounds like golf for me.
Today I’m wondering about my profession and yet trying to be patient about it. Is it spiritual? Will it be “just a job”? Gosh I hope not. That will only happen if I rush it. Why do I always feel rushed? With me and Alex. I don’t like to do it but I do. Is it just he’s a kid and every parent does this?
Alex is very insightful. I loved that he asked why I tell him “hate” is a bad word but I use it. What a great gift he is. Practice what you preach, Mom. What do I preach? Should I be giving him more guidance? He’s so smart sometimes that I forget he’s only five. So many times he’s teaching me if I’ll just listen and pay attention. Is it a book I will do with Alex?
I keep going there – back to the profession. I’m without one and it’s ok. I’m exactly where I should be. All of it has lead me here. I feel I’m at a crossroads and it feels so familiar. It’s not a nice familiar. It’s unsettling, not knowing, trying to follow my heart and universe’s lead but it seems strange. That’s not the right word. It feels freeing but confining; light but dark. There’s something about these opposites being connected some how. Is there someone to talk deep with without being “stoned”? Too funny, that took me back to just after high school with that thought.
Using the candle during meditation has made a big difference. Thank you to my sisters.
I’m still having a hard time relating to Mark. All this talk of money seems to senseless. He’s been obsessed with these chairs for the media room in the basement. I couldn’t even go there. I feel so “checked out” with us. Should I be trying harder? Will it get better as I get clearer? Oh this is a biggee. What is it about late 30/40’s? Does everyone question this stuff? Did my parents? Friends? People in love? Can people working really quiet their minds like this? I didn’t seem to be able to. Was I just so far gone I needed a jolt back? I’m exactly where I should be.
Funny, I thought I had so few friends but it’s so not true. They’re everywhere and new ones are waiting. What fun to not know some yet. It feels like fun to find and discover them. How lucky I am to realize that! Do my friends? I’m trying to communicate that more. I need to get more verbal instead of email/writing. I think it would mean more. I need to get thank you’s out to the people I worked with.
What does my blank medicine shield look like completed? I can’t wait to see it!
An after thought after I completed my stream of consciousness writing. During the meditation today I was trying to get higher and was feeling the pull down to the known and familiar. But I was still trying to let go and get higher to get above it all. I wanted to get out into the unknown so I could get clear and open up to ALL ideas, places and things. What an amazing sensation it was to keep rising up and up. Afterwards I pulled the butterfly medicine card – transformation. My message: get my wings and get out there!