Stream of Consciousness 4/17/2012

I’m having a hard time concentrating as my mind is all over the place. What if I leave my husband? Money? Place to live, don’t feel the need to take anything. I can sleep on anything. I almost don’t want to bring anything. It’s reminding me of when I left my last company. I didn’t want to keep anything; make a clean break.

Have I made up my mind? Is that selfish? When is a “good time”? Should I rethink? Is this just who I am? I just haven’t found the right person? I had a strange, very sensual visual with a mango. I’m smiling and can’t believe I wrote it down.

What was my dream about last night? It was strange but oh so real. It was an Indian man who was on a horse with a cloth over his head. A person lit the cloth on fire. Some bodies were hanging, while others went off on the horses with their clothes on fire and died. The Indian man went off on his horse and no one noticed he pulled the cloth off and survived. He stayed in the woods by the same scene and brought up two boys. I was running away with the two boys to try to get them back to safety. Then their Dad was in a cage/prison telling the story of his escape. I tried to tell him to be quiet but he needed to tell the story. I kept saying they would kill him but it didn’t phase him. Then I was in a modern hotel with him. I loved him and yet he had the need to go off. I was secondary to what he had to do. This dream has stuck with me.

What is this life about? Are there sacred contracts? There are lots of people with different theories who say they know. Is anyone right? Are they all right? Is it just those we resonate with? And they represent our truth? What about religion? Is that right? Is there a right and wrong or did we create that? Religions created a “right” and “wrong”. I still have so many questions. Will I ever find the answers? Is it a different answer to each question based on where I am in life’s development?

Who are the people who will help? Is it a “therapist”? I have a few people to help me with my physical body healing. I have a need for others for my spiritual and mental health. Is it work? Will it just feel like being in the flow (ie knowing)? Houston seemed like the last time of knowing. Will I get back to knowing soon? I sure hope so. This being in a daze is old; yet sometimes it is a good feeling. Just be. You can just be. It’s ok. All is good. No rush. The teacher will appear. Will I be someone’s teacher someday? I hope this experience gives me back the wisdom I once had. It’s opening me back up like a lotus flower. Accept it and it will make sense someday. It’s better than I can imagine. Trust the universe. You’ve got a great life experience coming and you will be in awe that it could be this good. It’s all been in preparation for this. WOW! Just imagine. Open up and let it in. It’s all for the best for all.

I have a blank slate but I still to need to wipe it clean. Let it go. What is it? You know – all of it. It still feels selfish. Stop. This is what it’s all about. It is love. Love for you. It’s allowed. Now feel it, be it. Emenate love. You are love. Let it in and let it out with every breath. Feel it down deep. I’m holding the rose quartz that Ann gave me to help guide me.

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