Stream of Consciousness 4/10/2012

Girl at Farm

It is hard to meditate today. I’m stuck in my head. So many thoughts swimming around. Still lots of questions. Is it true it’s my way of not feeling? I felt on my way home from dropping Alex off at school this morning the song, “Look Through My Eyes” was speaking directly to me. It’s my favorite singer, Phil Collins, and it seemed God put it there for me. If I could see through his eyes I would see the wonder that awaits me. What is it? Where is it? What does it look like? I feel like I’m on the verge of something huge and profound but I don’t know what or how to get it. I’m listening to myself, trying to reconnect with self.

I need a retreat. My few hours a day doesn’t feel like enough. I need to get quiet. Go away. A sabbatical. Is it selfish? Will Mark understand? I feel like I need help to figure it out. Who? What? I feel so closed from Mark and it seems to be worse between us. Should we be working on us now? Do I need to figure myself out first? Yup. That was an easy answer. Am I avoiding it? I feel SO closed from him. Is Alex ok? He’s so in touch with things. He’s an amazing kid. I only want the best for him and nurture his inner voice. I wish someone had done that for me. <tears>

I’m sad for my Mom. How could she nurture me with three other kids? She had no time for herself. She doesn’t know herself. Does Dad? Does he know himself? Was his work with nature his time? Is it why he worked so hard for so long? Does Mark know himself? Is it just about the money in his mind? Is there more for him? Will he find it? Is his farm his meditation? Is that his time with himself? What’s mine? I’ve always teased him that “I need a farm to go to.” I’ve spent more time away from family lately thanks to Mark being so open about it.

The movie popped back in to my head. Why am I so obsessed with this movie? I’ve NEVER felt this. Am I crazy? Does this explain some crazy people who are obsessed? Sometime I swear I lived it. It was me. Do relationships exist like that for long? Or are they all at the stage we’re at eventually? Is it a phase? Does it end? Should we be in long-term relationships? Should we be like butterflies – “pollinating” everyone? Should we be in a relationship at all? Is it necessary? Safe? Fun? Why is there always hurt? So we can feel love again? Why are we attracted to certain people? And repelled by others? Do I repel a lot of people? Men vs. women?

Should I be in counselling? How do you choose who? What makes them have the answers or are they just able to help you get to your own answers? What will my blank medicine shield be life? What should it be? My sign to get back to ME. Remember you’re still trying to find you. Keep challenging yourself that’s where you are. It’s like zip lining – let go and just be. Ooooh that feels good. Just be. Let go. Have fun. Don’t be afraid. It’s ok. Someone/thing will always catch you. You can’t be wrong. There is no falling in this life. Throat feels lumpy all of a sudden. Sing loud. Don’t be afraid. Be like Alex and dance as if no one is watching. Or in his case, make sure they ARE watching. I LIKE it! Free and just be. Whoo hoo! Now you’re talkin’. My heart is beating. Get back to loving life and all of it’s glories and thrills. Yeah baby!

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