Telling the First Person

April 5, 2012

I am meeting with a coach I’ve worked with in the past, Jade, at a local coffee shop. We had set the meeting up weeks before and were to talk about how to discover what “I want to do next”…for work. I am nervous about what I will share with her at this point.

We sit down at a table in the middle of the VERY busy restaurant. We then move to a booth along the wall but still in the middle of the restaurant. She hands me a book about helping to unlock my passion. I decide I need to tell her everything. So I say, “I know you said you are not a licensed counsellor but I need to know everything we talk about will be kept confidential.” She says, “Absolutely” with a grin. I muster up the courage to say, “Ok, here goes. I have been dealing with something other than what I want to do with my career. You see I have been attracted to women in the past and it’s all coming to the surface again.” She looks me in the eyes and says, “I’m not surprised.” I give her a very confused look and she continues, “When I first met you, I thought you were.” “Really?!” I say. She then asked why I chose to tell her and I respond with “I knew you were safe and I trust you.” I realized how grateful and fortunate I am to have her in my life.

From there I continued to tell her about Mary from the past, the movie that had my head all crazy and how confused I was. I let her read my stream of consciousness notes. She was fantastic in not judging, not telling me what to do but listening and offering other ways to look at things. She suggested that the questions I had in my stream of consciousness were keeping me out of the feeling. She suggested to not be “in my head” but “just be with it”. Great advice but something that is easier said than done I must say. Of course during this amazing conversation I was crying the entire time and yet I didn’t care. It was as if we were the only two people in this restaurant. And after all, this was something I had to deal with and I didn’t care who knew…just not my husband Mark, not yet.

She had some great suggestions on movies and books.
Movies: “How Do You Know”, “Dangerous Beauty”
Books: Gary Zukav “Seat of the Soul” and “Spiritual Partnership”

Two major things she said that day have stuck with me: We all try to hold the emotional beach balls under the water and at some point in our life we can no longer keep them under the water. They just start popping up and you have to deal with them. That visual was exactly what I was feeling like. The second thing she said that keeps coming up: “What if I got married just to have Alex, my son?”

I left feeling so much better and so glad that I had shared this “secret” I was holding onto. And I felt so supported and grateful for Jade.

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