Put A Little Love In Your Heart Stream of Consciousness 4/6/2012

Heart Image

I just bawled during the whole meditation. Huge release/relief. Started when activating my heart chakra and Jade came to mind. What an incredible person and so giving of herself. I’m bawling again thinking about her and yesterday’s discussion. She’s an amazing friend and I can’t believe I “found” her. She’s so giving, open, in touch, explored so much of herself – so insightful – always has the right words I need to hear. I just still can’t believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. She’s a true friend. This crying is like when everyone left after Alex, my son was born, postpartum and I couldn’t control it. I don’t “feel” bad, maybe it was overwhelmed with love. A strange sensation. I’ve been feeling so light and “free” again. Almost like I’m not really here, it’s not happening, I’m someone else.

Again I’m back to the movie. Like Jade said, what a gift the movie was. Oh so true. It awoke something inside. I’m remembering back to the Mary days and trying to picture the night together in Florida but having a hard time. I want to feel that again, minus the rejection part. 🙂

I now have a huge puddle of tears puddling up. I have so many good friends. Really strong desire to reconnect. Am I searching for a clue or a key I missed along the way? Someone? There is someone out there more spiritual and able to understand me. I’m so excited for yoga in three days and help me getting in touch with ME. Where am I? Who am I? Will I find a “profession” in this quest? I’ve always landed on my feet but this time I need to find me first. Honor me. Love me. There should be no relationship. Why do I put a limit on this? Bottom line is to find me – the real, authentic me, not the one I think the outside world wants to see. Me. Me. Then I can see where it leads. Go from there. Could be long or short process. Be patient either way. You’re 44 but have done a lot of work already. I just need to find the path again. You’ll know it. Stay on it this time. Don’t prostitute yourself. That seems like a strong word. Give yourself a break. Let it be the way it’s supposed to be. Get back in the flow.

Interesting thought that I was in the flow with the business. And then what happened? There is lots of going back. Go forward. Press on. History has some lessons but answers are forward. Will I be traveling again? I sure did enjoy that (minus the post 911 stuff). Get out of my head and into my heart. Stay with the heart today. It seems to be where I belong. No need for head talk. Slowing down. Head trying to get in on it. Heart feels heavy but yet light. A big ache but happy. How is that? Again huge appreciation for being able to have the time to do this. It’s so important. Feeding my soul. I need a retreat or something. What a strange name for it – retreat. Go back? Hmmm strange one.

Like Aimee Mullins on Ted.com said regarding “disabled”, the definition is all wrong (http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_the_opportunity_of_adversity.html). What amazing people there are out in this world! It’s interesting I chose to say “out” in this world. It seems like an oxymoron.

There is something for me. It’s big for me. How do I get to it? What is the divine plan for me? I want to be part of it! See me raising and waving my hand over here?! Pick me! I’m in! I know it’ll be great, good and fulfilling. I’m so anxious – not sure that’s the right word – excited to do something meaningful that speaks to my soul. So many choices – where to start – but none have spoken to me. Maybe now I’m willing to listen so that I will hear it this time. That seems about right and about it for today.

A happy song to remind us all…to “Put A Little Love In Your Heart”

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