Stream of Consciousness 4/5/12

Happy Birthday to Me!

What’s today about? My contacts are all fuzzy and I can’t see. All the noise at the house is making it tough to meditate. There are too many distractions. Are they my excuses? Did I create them? Am I supposed to get out and move? Not stay “locked away” in the office? It’s raining but I would love to walk in the woods. Get away with nature – spa weekend – no WEEK. Is it time that will help figure out my purpose? I had chance 8 years ago and didn’t then. Am I on the same path? Will I find it this time? Will my husband be patient? Do I need him to be or ME? I’m not depending/looking to other for my happiness. Be happy with me and the rest will follow. Am I really unhappy? Frustrated? Stuck? Need to move on? Change?

I’ve always felt the need for change. When I look at past relationships/jobs. Is it who I am or just where I’m at? I love to learn and meet new people. I felt a desire to sit with lone people at Kaldi’s and just start talking to them. Would that freak them out? Would they welcome the discussion? I remember the “London Mystery Tube Stop” we did when I was there. I had a hunger to speak with so many people. Craved it. Love other cultures. Learning what makes people who they are. Learning why they chose profession/place to live. What their interests are. I’m getting excited about this; my heart is beating.

I loved sales with old company as I could get to know every customer and ask all questions. CONNECT. I’m feeling disconnected. From what? Divine? People? Lots of new connections with my son’s school people. A new venture? It’s all exciting and scary in a way. Where will I end up? What will it look like? That was my lesson from the first Transformation game – I didn’t need to know what it looks like and it’s ok to fail. Sister, Ann’s lesson was “It’s ok to ask”. Where does that take me? Is it the same journey/goal your entire life or is it constantly changing/evolving? I have responsibilities now. I can’t just go off into the sunset. Or could I? Maybe not quite like that – not “disappear” but reinvent.

How do I find what makes me happy? Lots of little things. Is it a big thing I’m searching for? What’s big? What if it’s lots of little things? I’ve touched so many lives already and I’m not done. We all want to feel we’ve made a difference, don’t we? I do. I’ve got so much to give but don’t know how – where – what. The why is just a desire to help where I can. Is it selfless? Money will always follow. Is it not a priority for me? Should I be concerned about it? I’m so lucky I have not had to think about it at all. So fortunate. I need to tell my husband more often how fortunate I am.

Where is all this going? Will THIS help someone some day? Will my journey give insight to someone else? That would be a great gift to be able to give. Will the journey have an ending? Is it death? Does it go beyond that? Into something bigger than imaginable? The event we had planned popped back in but still with negative feelings. I still don’t want to go there.

Are there only a few people searching for their “it”? Do many people already know it already? Or do most just think this is it and go on with their daily grind? Why do we think so much of the I? Why are we all ego centered? Can we make it stop? Change it? Should we? Is it bad? I picked up a rubber band as a distraction. Sometimes I feel like I have ADD and can’t stay with whatever I’m doing. Is it the female multitasking? How does my mind jump around so much? Can’t it stay focused? This seems to be my limit in daily writing. No need to force it. This should be an interesting 44th birthday!

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