Stream of Consciousness 4/3/12

This is my stream of consciousness writing from 4/3/12 after a meditation.

Something big is about to happen. Lots of questions. Why ALL now? Is it midlife crisis? Is it normal? Is it a need to feel loved? Appreciated? Is it 12 year itch? Do I need more friends? A close friend – can say ANYTHING to? Deep conversations – more in touch with spirit? Just stuck in a rut? I’m exactly where I should be. Met so many people in last 8+ years. Should I be reconnecting? More plugged in? Who? What will it look like? Why does this darn movie have my head screwed up? Is it that it is everything our marriage is lacking? Am I a lesbian? Does it matter? Can it be ignored? I’m married and have a SON. Is it something we can work on? Is it something to be “fixed”? We had love in the beginning – now it’s just routine. Don’t feel respect from  him. Just argue – can’t ask a question without being berated. I’m walking on eggshells. It’s his timeline and design. I haven’t contributed financially – feel like a mooch at times – don’t deserve this money – don’t need all this money. Why is everything about money? I could live in a trailer if I was happy. Our son, Alex brings all the joy. I can’t even talk about the business I sold and the feelings. It always comes back to money for him.

I haven’t felt feelings in a long time. I certainly haven’t talked about them. When I knew our business and the event were failing, I pulled back and distanced myself from others and any groups. It didn’t fail and I learned lots and met lots of people. What to do with it all now? Is there more to life? What am I missing? There’s got to be more out there. Things don’t bring it. I do. What do I do though?

Why does the movie keep popping back? It’s got a hold of me and I can’t shake it. Felt it was about me. I woke up feeling guilty as if I had lived it. Still FEEL it. I love the physical feeling it gave me. It took me somewhere I had never been before. Felt so real.

It brought me back to the night with Mary but don’t think that was right. She’s not for me. Life would have been much different if she had said yes.

I find since the movie wondering if each new person is “the one”. Guilt. Why is it happening? I know if I ask it will come. I don’t know what to ask. Afraid to ask. What if “it” does come? Will I know it? Will I choose it? What is “it” all about? The universe has got me here. Now what? Did I design this plan? Did someone/thing else? Do we all some how know? Instincts? Ingrained? Or are we all aimlessly wandering and they are random choices? Does everyone think this? Are we all THAT different?

Should we be life partners? Were we designed for that? What if no and my timeline is different from the other persons? Equals hurt for one. Have I been callous in relationships? Bill was the longest before Mark at 5+ years. Why do we choose the mates we choose? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? What does it feel like? How do you know? Do you always find them? If not, why not? Is it only in certain lifetimes? Is there more than one for each of us? For each stage of life?

I’ve thought I’ve been in love many times. Does love just change over time? Is it just the natural course? Do soul mates always feel deeply in love? Or does theirs change over time? It has to change at some point – no? You can’t always be in the “bunny stage”.  🙂 Why do I feel so confused about it all? Should I have been married? If no = no Alex and I couldn’t imagine that. Should I have been quiet with myself before it and after Massachusetts? Rushed into dating. Didn’t know what else. Can’t go back. It is what it is. Should I just make do with current situation and try to “fix”? So many questions. Who do I talk to about it all? Do I keep it to myself and only share parts? That doesn’t make sense. Who? Judy? Sue? Someone else I don’t know? This is lots of stuff to process.

Why did I choose to write it down? It’s always been best for me on many levels. Never wrote this deep though. What if Mark finds it? At least he’ll know where my head is. Why? Why now? Just because business ended? Finally allowing myself to think about it? What if I could design life I want? I don’t even know what that would look like; besides lots of love and laughter.

I feel I can’t decorate the house with fun things. Everything has to be perfect and symmetrical. I give in too easy. Mark does have good taste but I like fun things that clash. Alex can’t wear fun shirts as husband thinks they’re innapropriate or something. Am I just complaining? Get over yourself? These are my thoughts so it’s my reality. There are great qualities: he’s kind, loves and wants the best for our son, financial genius, takes care of the family, does good with our son, great cook. My mind stopped. I think I’m getting hungry.

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