March 31, 2012 I had every mother’s dream come true…a night ALONE. My husband was taking my 5 year old for a last minute camp out at the farm with another father and son. So I had big plans of finally trying out a Chinese restaurant’s food, laundry and “vegging out” on the couch. I did all that minus finishing any laundry (what WAS I thinking anyway?!) Now little did I know what was to happen next.
I had been on the computer checking out Netflix for movies that I could watch. More specifically, I was looking for movies to watch that my husband never would. I found one by the name of “Elena Undone” and the description was “When openly gay writer Peyton and love-starved pastor’s wife Elena meet, they immediately form a strong bond, which erupts into a sizzling affair.” So naturally I think “Peyton Manning” (ie a male gay writer). Wrong. It was a lesbian movie. After about an hour into it, I was transported from “earth” into the movie. I WAS Elena and I left the movie so totally turned on and even went to bed thinking I had lived the movie. When I woke up I felt guilty, and not because I had watched a lesbian movie and I was married, but because I felt as if I had really LIVED the movie.
For days later, I was still not feeling like I was on this planet. I was living a different life as I had lived the movie. I was still turned on for many days later. I was obsessed and remembered thinking, “this is how people go crazy and I think I’m about there”. I found a Youtube clip from the movie and watched it over and over on my phone any free second I had. I had NEVER felt like this before and I didn’t know what was going on with my normally “normal” head. It was as if I wasn’t me. Someone else had taken over my body and thoughts. When I went to bed with my husband, I wasn’t there. There was a HUGE void (more like a wall) between us. I couldn’t “shake” the feeling and obsession even though logically I knew I had to. So I dove into meditation of course. I will share with you my writings after the meditation where I used “stream of consciousness” and just downloaded everything I was thinking. What a ride this continues to be!