Anger Scares Me

I recently found my limit of anger and it scared me. My insides turned, my instinct was to remove myself from the situation and get out.

It was a Wednesday night and I had just come from volunteering with an afterschool program. I brought pizza over to my girlfriend’s house to have with her and her kids. It was a nice night around the table with them. 

Then my girlfriend began talking with her son about an incident that happened in school that day where he had been reported for hitting someone. He denied it. She wanted to know what had happened, he kept saying he didn’t know, it started to get heated.

She then took him into her room and was screaming at him. He was scared and started crying. I know she was frustrated and felt he was lying to her. She kept on him. I was not far away doing the dishes. I started to get scared for what could come of this. It was heating up. My insides started turning. I was frozen and didn’t know what to do. I had never been around this kind of screaming before and I wanted to leave but knew if I did it would likely aggravate the already tense situation. So I stayed against my better judgement.

They left the room and I went into the bedroom and layed down trying to gather my thoughts. She finally came in and asked what was wrong. I said her anger again and all I wanted to do was go for a walk. I didn’t like it. She started getting defensive and I said I didn’t think it was a good time for her to talk about it. She left saying “Fine, I’ll go sit with my kids!” and left to the living room.

As I lay there trying to calm my body down and my head spinning with all that had happened, I finally got up and went for that walk I wanted to take. While I walked her neighborhood in the dark, I really thought hard about what had happened, our relationship, and what I knew in my heart I had to do but didn’t want to.

So I got back to the house, sat in my car and processed the way I do-silence, meditation and journaling. Again, I knew what I had to do and didn’t want to.

I went back in the house, laid on the bed and waited for what felt like hours but was probably more like 30-45 min for her to come into the room. She came in, closed the door and said, “So.” I said the same thing a few times and then finally said it. I said, “I think it’s best if I leave.” Her response was, “You waited 2 hours to say that?” I went on to talk about the anger and it being an issue in the past. But this was a new level, my insides were in a knot, I didn’t like it and don’t want to be around it. She said “Fine. Leave. If you think this was bad, you haven’t seen the worst of it. If you can’t take this then we are not going to make it.” I was dumbfounded. No “I’ll try.” Or “I know there’s an issue here and I want to work at it.” Nothing even remotely  in that ballpark. Take it or leave it.

Unfortunately I had to “leave it.” As sad as it was after 6 months of seeing this beautiful woman I know she is; I had reached a limit I didn’t know I had and I had to leave. 

Sad has been all I can say, just sad. 

  

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Posted in Awareness, Change, Cry, Gay, Journal, Lesbian, Letting Go, LGBT, Love, Pain, Sadness, scared, Self Discovery, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

He Makes Me Feel Inadequate

That word kept flying around in my head after having dinner with my former husband, Mark and my son, Alex.

Alex had just gotten back from his third-grade campout and I thought it was a good idea to invite Mark to dinner with us so he could hear about the big trip. And I knew Alex would want to share his thoughts with both of us.

Just as we were getting ready to leave, Alex announces “I have something to tell you both while we’re here together.” I leaned forward anxious to hear what he had to say. He continued, “When I’m at Dad’s house, the time goes by fast but when I’m at Mommy’s house, it goes by slow.” Ouch! Mark sat there beaming while I felt the punch to my gut. 

Add to this, just before dinner and being with the parents of the kids from Alex’s third-grade class and feeling less than there as well. 

So I ended the day with that overwhelming sense of feeling inadequate. The ole “I’m not good enough mindset.”

Luckily at bedtime Alex and I had our time of reconnecting with each other and continued his dreaming of what he wanted in life discussions. He and I were back on track.

Now for me to again come to terms with the fact I am allowing Mark to make me feel less than, not good enough. I know it’s my choice and one that takes conscious effort to let go of. I also realize some days letting go of that feeling is easier said than done.

  

Posted in Awareness, Be Yourself, Funk, Husband, Letting Go, Life, Mom, Sadness, Self Discovery, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Parenting and Divorce

One universal thing I’ve learned about parenting…it’s not easy. And yet it has been my greatest teacher.

Now add a divorce in the mix and it gets even more complicated. My former husband, Mark and I have disagreed on our parenting styles from the start. Now that we’re divorced those differences are magnified and usually add to the already tense relationship we have. 

Even though we have differences, I have to admit I miss discussing Alex with another parent. That is why I am so thankful my girlfriend and I have been able to have open, honest communication about our kids. I welcome all feedback and insights about it. I realize I’m winging this parenting thing like everyone else. So when someone is willing to give me constructive feedback I’m all over it.

This morning Mark and I were discussing Alex possibly taking piano lessons. My thought was to wait until after the school year had started, to see how Alex was settling into 3rd grade and to see how he did with soccer he was already in. My concern was falling into the trap we had fallen Into last year with over scheduling him. 

This morning Mark was pressing me to get him started with piano as it might help with his concentration, plus his sister had mentioned Alex really showed an ear for music. All of which I agreed with but I didn’t think now was a good time to start him in another activity. He asked me when I thought that good time might be. I said at least a couple of months to see where teachers thought he was and for us to get a feel for the homework load of 3rd grade. We had been warned it was going to be much more than last year’s load. More importantly, to be sure Alex was keeping up with all of it since he struggled so hard last year. By the end of the conversation he commented how hard parenting was. I agreed and said how nice it was that we could talk about it together.

My how some things have changed for the good between us from a year ago. I like those glimpses of us settling into this new relationship on a more positive note.

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Is a good deed still a good deed if the motivation behind it is for personal benefit?

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Do We All Get Antsy In Life?

I was able to get together with someone I worked with 13+ years ago recently. It really got me thinking about my life, where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I loved about that old job of 15 years, what I didn’t like, what it taught me, why I left and what happened afterwards.

So I sit here wondering do we all get antsy with our lives after some time? Does everyone get bored? Do some of us just crave change and new experiences? Is it some form of ADD? Is it a searching for what makes you happy? Is it that growth requires change? Is it just life? Or is it something else? Or all the above?

 

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Here We Go Round Again

I have been dealing with neck pain for two years now. It was a year ago on April 1 when I felt a lightning bolt go through my body and I knew I had a very serious neck issue that I could no longer deny. It was a horrible time of my life with both physical and emotional pain like I had never known.

I actually had cervical spine surgery scheduled for four days after my official divorce.  At the time I realized how crazy it was to schedule a second major life event four days after the first. So I canceled my surgery not knowing what I was going to do next.

I decided to rest my body and so I went flat on my back for months. I dealt with a lot of different pain medicines that my body didn’t like at all. I started losing a lot of weight which I couldn’t afford to lose. And I was in an incredible amount of pain. I was determined to not need surgery and I thought by resting my body I could do that. I basically lost the entire summer with my son as a result.

Finally at the end of the summer I felt well enough to at least meet with the physical therapist. When I did, he gave me hope that I could possibly build my body back up so that I would not need surgery. I worked hard at the physical therapy three days a week for 2+ hours each time and my upper body was in the best shape it had ever been in. I had lots of hope that I would not need surgery. By the end of the year I thought, “I had done it”.

And then this year I started working at a job I love. However, it is this job that I love that has brought back all that pain and numbness again. Yesterday my physical therapist said he did not want to see me until after I have seen the surgeon. He gave me the words of advice that you never want to hear from a physical therapist and that is to limit your activity. When I joked, “Does that mean lie down?” He very seriously said, “Yes, rest. This is very serious.” The seriousness of his tone and the concern on his face told me I had to get very serious about this.

So here I am doing as he suggested… Lying down, resting, waiting for my appointment in 6 days with the surgeon…and alone in my thoughts. It all feels very familiar yet it’s not in so many ways. This time I know I have given it my all before facing surgery. I am a much stronger person emotionally. I have a different outlook on things. I know ultimately it is all for my greater good. I am at peace with whatever happens.

  

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Do You Ever Kiss Just to Kiss?

I love kissing. I admit it. When I’m dating I like to say hello to my partner with a kiss, say goodbye with a kiss and hopefully there’s some kissing in between. Lots of it, as far as I’m concerned. Did I mention I like to kiss?

So I find it fascinating I’m now dating a woman that is tentative about kissing. As you can imagine it’s been the topic of some of our discussions.

Last night a light was shone very brightly on the why. We talked quite extensively about it and a big part of it came down to the fact any intimacy in her past relationships was not for the public to see. When her and another woman were dating they were “friends” to the outside world and any signs of affection were saved for behind closed doors. Apparently this was a factor of being a lesbian all your life. 

And now here I was wanting to kiss her hello when I got in the car or when she came in my door. This was so foreign to her and yet so natural to me. I had grown up in the heterosexual world where it was “allowed” and “accepted”. And did I mention I like to kiss?

Once we started really talking about this it made complete sense. What she realized in the discussion was that I was the first “out” relationship she had ever had and that was all new to her. We both agreed how amazing it really is the two different perspectives we each bring to the relationship. 

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned, above kissing I love the emotional intimacy in my relationships. And THIS is good stuff! Let the light shine on! 

shining a light on kissing 

Posted in Awareness, Be Open, Be Yourself, Gay, Kiss, Lesbian, LGBT, Self Discovery, Speaking the Truth | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

My Name is Kristin and I am Passive Aggressive.

I feel like I’m at an AA meeting when I say that. I recently observed myself being passive aggressive with this woman I’m now dating. I was so aware I was doing it in the moment. It felt horrible and yet I continued to do it. It was the strangest feeling of being aware and not being able to stop it. I suppose it is a lot like AA in that once you have the awareness then you can begin to change.

This is one of the things I had talked with my therapist about this past week. And I was frustrated with myself in that I couldn’t stop my behavior. I knew it was old, learned behavior. It’s the house I grew up in. My parents never verbalized any issues; the arguments were always silent. Part of my journey has been to break these old behaviors that don’t feel right to me. And this is a big one.

My therapist in her wise words said “Ok now you know that doesn’t work. Now you need to find another way. ” I’m still in the process of finding that other way but I believe the key is in open, honest communication. And I am dating a woman who I’m able to do that with. How lucky am I?!

  

Posted in Awakening, Awareness, Be Open, Be Yourself, Change, Finding Yourself, Life, Passive aggressive, Self Discovery | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

What’s In a Name?

Last night I had a conversation with my friend about the names she calls people (including me). I’m not used to being around people that use what I consider derogatory terms toward another.

So when she called me a dork in jest, I asked her to please not call me that. After sharing with her about an incident that happened with my former husband recently, she called him a weasel. I said “Please don’t call him that, his name is Mark.” While we were walking in the park, she had called her son a turd. He said he didn’t like it so I asked him what he’d rather be called. He replied Leo which apparently was a name he just really likes.

Later that night she asked me about these incidents. She noticed the reaction it caused in me and asked if there was something in my past that caused it. I replied, “No, I am just very sensitive to the words we all use toward one another. I make an effort to choose my words carefully.” Her comment was sometimes she just didn’t want to think about things and needed to just let it out. Besides her son knew she was kidding and nothing was meant by it. I then explained although it was effort at first for me, with time I had created a habit. So now it comes very naturally for me to use positive words without even thinking. Now that I have changed, I am very conscious of the words that others use so that is the reaction she saw in me.

I believe it is these sort of simple efforts that can change how we interact with one another which then has the power to positively change the world. I want to be sure to put THAT sort of energy into the world. 

I also believe Mother Teresa had it right, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”  

Posted in Awakening, Be Yourself, Family, Life, Self Discovery, Speaking the Truth, Words | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

I Prefer Uptown Funk But Sometimes You’re Just in a Funk

I realized the other day when meeting with my therapist I was officially in a funk. It wasn’t until I started talking that it really hit me. I knew there were certain things bothering me but didn’t realize all the other ones lying below the surface.

I so love my therapist. She has given me such insight into things and of course makes me realize I’m not crazy. When we started talking about all the things happening in my life she just shook her head knowingly and said “Well of course you are in a funk!” as she succinctly listed all the things I had shared with her. When I heard the list repeated back to me as a summary, it all made sense. Such a simple exercise to make me feel “normal”.

I left her that day with an action plan I had come up with of three things I could do to help get me out of my funk. God bless her for helping to show me the way back to my happy  uptown funk place.

Here’s the song my son and I can be seen all around town dancing to in the car with windows down and music blaring. That is one of my happiest places.

https://youtu.be/lRfX-N0cABo

Posted in Be Open, Be Yourself, Change, Crazy, Finding Yourself, Funk, Happy, Life, Sadness, Self Discovery | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments